Spring is baby season for me. Or, at least, it has been.
Every other year since 2005*, I’ve had a spring baby.
2005, 2007, 2009…
And here I sit in 2011 with an empty womb.
Granted, it’s been a trying year. I spent three months separated from my husband, taking care of my mom. Then spent the next few months swimming back to the surface of life again. I pushed my body harder than I ever have, training for a marathon with 20 mile runs at a 8:30 pace. I’m sure that took awhile to recover from.
But I can’t help but wonder why God seems to be withholding this blessing for now.
Perhaps because of Josh’s busy schedule as he finishes his doctorate. Perhaps because we’ll be in San Diego this summer which would have made doctor visits difficult. Perhaps He’s trying to teach me to be grateful for what I have. Perhaps I need to learn to let go of the control I think I have. Perhaps I need to be humbled and remember from Whom all good and perfect gifts come.
I know there are women who would give anything to have just one baby and here I am begging for my fourth.
This just isn’t how I pictured it. I wanted at least four, maybe five. All two years apart. I didn’t want to be done nursing the last before I was pregnant with the next. I didn’t want a break from diapers. I wanted to be able to tell my mom I was pregnant. I want a girl. I want to name her Evelyn Ruth.
And after this many months of disappointment, which I’ve never had before, I wonder if she’ll never come. That’s what hurts the worst. What if something happened when Levi was born? There was a lot of bleeding. And an unusually long recovery time. What if I’m done?
I give it to you, God. Daily. Hourly. Repeatedly. When has worrying ever added another day to my life? Or another life to my days…
Ugh. This is hard.
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*Ok, Olivia was technically a summer baby.
🙁 Hugs to you, Beth… I think I understand what you’re feeling, at least a little. My first two were born so close together and, I’m starting to realize, I think I was hoping to have a fourth baby rather close to my third (although it wasn’t a real conscious thing). Now, here she is, just a few months shy of 2 and I’m most certainly not expecting. It’s hard. I join you in giving it to God!
Hugs.
I totally, totally get it (as you know).
I do know, Ashley, and I am SO glad for your friendship, now more than ever. 🙂 (And know that I was glad before!)
Thank you. 🙂 I feel them!
Big hugs! Keep on praying.
JessieLeigh, I had no idea! Thank you for telling me. It helps to know I’m not a freak. 🙂 Worrying, wondering, loving what I’ve got, yet wanting more…
I def know how u feel. i have 6 years between each of my children, NOT what i had planned. I always wanted 2yrs between each baby. I can honestly say I nearly gave up so many times. I think God knew what I could handle much more than I did. Each time I would wondered will I EVER get pregnant again?! We know have 3 kiddos, 13, 7, & 1….my heart wonders if i can hold out hope for 6 more years if that’s what it may take. Either way, like you, I’m thanking God for what I have and my heart aches for those mommies just wanting to have one. we r so blessed. thanks for sharing your heart.
God likes to surprise you. I didn’t want a fourth, I had decided to close up shop and be happy with my three boys. Guess who got a big clue that she was not in charge? I am now pregnant with my fourth. It will come when the time is right, that is hard to hear now but He know what he is doing.
Oh, the cycle of getting your hopes up only for them to be dashed yet again – I imagine it’s not that much different no matter which kid you’re trying for. It’s a crazy roller coaster ride either way!
I’m there with you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d have one.
I was the one who wanted a house full.
For many years it wasn’t a struggle. My husband wasn’t around. But now–it’s hard. I’m getting older our son is 10;0!
It feels like it will never happen and I’m afraid that God will ask me to be content with only 1. :(.
It’s hard is right.
The things we think we need versus what we are given: This year we found out (after one 40 week loss, 2 miscarriages, and 3 live births) that I have some issues that should have kept me from having a baby at all. It’s a pretty unsafe scenario to even be pregnant. I had always wanted 4 and had 3. My big family was to be slightly cut short. I thought somehow I had been punished by burying one. What an amazing thing it was to find out that each was a gift that even confuses the doctors a bit. “I’m not even sure how this happened” they tell me. What an even bigger shock to find out I am expecting again! This time we will amp up the precautions and just say our prayers for a good outcome. God knew what I needed and he knows what you need too. Keep the faith. You have been through the ringer and back this year. Big hugs from this Greenwooder too.
Oh Beth, I’m sorry. Children are a gift, and it’s not wrong or weird to want more if you already have 3, 0, or 20 children. I would have chosen a several-months-shorter gap between Hans and Gretchen (they were 28 months apart, and I was expecting more like 18 months – but breastfeeding is very “efficacious” for me in the birth control department. . . ), and waiting a bit longer helped me to really think about what it would be like if God chose to only bless us with one child. I think it’s humbling and a good reminder that we really don’t control everything. But it can still hurt. *hugs*
So sorry you are going through this. It is tough when it doesn’t seem to be working.
Um……
no pregnancy ever here, been trying since May of 2007 which is many many months of empty womb.
Not trying to downplay your hurt, just trying to open your eyes to what you have, and have had, so much more than you know.
It costs us $38 K every time we add a child to our family. I wanted three. I’ll be lucky if I can get two. I’ve been lucky to have one.