Comments on: Help With The Sharing, Already! http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/ The Cloth Diapering, Babywearing, Breastfeeding Mommy Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:40:27 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Susan Keister http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2563 Susan Keister Fri, 11 Jan 2008 17:53:16 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2563 I think the whole sharing issue is really distorted, so I'm glad to see some others saying it too. I do think children need to learn how to share, even at an early age (but not 12 months old), but the way it's normally gone about is just plain odd. I don't have children yet (due this summer, though), but I've babysat approximately a zillion kids and been a nursery coordinator for my former church's nursery. This is usually how "sharing" is taught, by my observance, not my practice: Child #1 (usually way to young to understand what this is all about) is happily playing with a toy. Child #2 comes up and grabs away the toy and walks/crawls away. Child #1 starts crying. Nursery worker or mother says to child #1, "don't get mad; you need to learn how to share." BEGIN RANT: Aaaaahhhh! That drives me nuts! Hello! Tell child #2 HE needs to learn how to share, not grab or steal other toys, etc. Why is it always the first child who is blamed? It drives me nuts! I've found it way more effective, once a child is old enough to understand basic concepts of time (even just the concept of "in just a little bit"), to give the toy back to child #1, admonish child #2 for taking it (rotten thief, hehe), and then explain to both the children that they're going to have to take turns, and that child #1 still has a little bit of time left in his turn, but in just a little bit I'm going to ask child #1 to let child #2 have a turn. That seems like better justice to me. I'm done ranting. And sorry to hear about the mess you have to deal with tonight. I will pray for you. I think the whole sharing issue is really distorted, so I’m glad to see some others saying it too. I do think children need to learn how to share, even at an early age (but not 12 months old), but the way it’s normally gone about is just plain odd. I don’t have children yet (due this summer, though), but I’ve babysat approximately a zillion kids and been a nursery coordinator for my former church’s nursery. This is usually how “sharing” is taught, by my observance, not my practice:

Child #1 (usually way to young to understand what this is all about) is happily playing with a toy. Child #2 comes up and grabs away the toy and walks/crawls away. Child #1 starts crying. Nursery worker or mother says to child #1, “don’t get mad; you need to learn how to share.”

BEGIN RANT: Aaaaahhhh! That drives me nuts! Hello! Tell child #2 HE needs to learn how to share, not grab or steal other toys, etc. Why is it always the first child who is blamed? It drives me nuts! I’ve found it way more effective, once a child is old enough to understand basic concepts of time (even just the concept of “in just a little bit”), to give the toy back to child #1, admonish child #2 for taking it (rotten thief, hehe), and then explain to both the children that they’re going to have to take turns, and that child #1 still has a little bit of time left in his turn, but in just a little bit I’m going to ask child #1 to let child #2 have a turn. That seems like better justice to me.

I’m done ranting. And sorry to hear about the mess you have to deal with tonight. I will pray for you.

]]> By: Carrie at NaturalMomsTalkRadio http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2559 Carrie at NaturalMomsTalkRadio Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:16:23 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2559 I love all the comments that say "Don't force it, it's a developmental milestone." I'm a Christian too, and a mom of 4, the oldest is almost 10, and I never force sharing. Ever. Ever! And yes I believe in self sacrifice, etc. But I don't believe in forcing anyone to share, especially when they are too young to understand that they will get their stuff back. God doesn't expect this of your toddler. Relax...... I love all the comments that say “Don’t force it, it’s a developmental milestone.”

I’m a Christian too, and a mom of 4, the oldest is almost 10, and I never force sharing. Ever. Ever!

And yes I believe in self sacrifice, etc.

But I don’t believe in forcing anyone to share, especially when they are too young to understand that they will get their stuff back. God doesn’t expect this of your toddler.

Relax……

]]> By: mom2fur http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2556 mom2fur Fri, 11 Jan 2008 14:34:53 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2556 Do you mind if I say 2 more things after that long comment? First, look at it from Olivia's POV. If your irresponsible cousin asks to borrow your car because his was impounded, do you let him have it? I hope not! Maybe in her little head, Olivia thinks that Ben will hurt her toy. Maybe she is 'protecting' it, LOL! The second thing, and it's probably a silly question...can I assume the 'small' duplo blocks are actually pretty big? The idea of a 9-month-old near small blocks scares me. Okay, I lied. I have 3 things to say. Does Ben take a different nap than Olivia? Could you have a little basket specially for Olivia that only comes out when Ben is sleeping? Do you mind if I say 2 more things after that long comment? First, look at it from Olivia’s POV. If your irresponsible cousin asks to borrow your car because his was impounded, do you let him have it? I hope not! Maybe in her little head, Olivia thinks that Ben will hurt her toy. Maybe she is ‘protecting’ it, LOL!
The second thing, and it’s probably a silly question…can I assume the ‘small’ duplo blocks are actually pretty big? The idea of a 9-month-old near small blocks scares me.
Okay, I lied. I have 3 things to say. Does Ben take a different nap than Olivia? Could you have a little basket specially for Olivia that only comes out when Ben is sleeping?

]]> By: mom2fur http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2555 mom2fur Fri, 11 Jan 2008 14:26:59 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2555 Your children are not sharing because they are TOO YOUNG to understand the concept! They are perfectly, 100% normal. A child must understand the concept of 'mine,' before she can grasp sharing. However, that's not to say you sit back and let the not sharing just continue. Your best bet is to really gush over it when Olivia and Benjamin play nicely. I work in a pediatric office and there is a woman I hear tell her 2-year-old daughter very gently, "sharing is caring." It is so cute to see little Madeline interact with other kids. Still, I agree with those here who say that some things truly must be personal property by which the 'owner' has total rights. Knowing something is yours also teaches you to respect that others have things that are 'theirs.' I would tell your daughter 'don't worry. We know the dolls and the blocks are your special toys. Your brother just wants to see them, that's all. If he takes one, I'll make sure he's careful and he gives it back." It will take time. It will take a little growing up. But pushing the sharing thing too hard is not a good idea at this age. Be as gentle as you can about it. (On the other hand, I'd make a toy disappear pretty fast if I had to put up with that screaming. My daughter was a screamer. Ugh!) And remember your good example is going to have more influence than anything. Hang in there. One day they will be in their twenties, and get along famously--like my kids do! (They range from 17-25, but boy, do I remember those younger days!) Your children are not sharing because they are TOO YOUNG to understand the concept! They are perfectly, 100% normal. A child must understand the concept of ‘mine,’ before she can grasp sharing. However, that’s not to say you sit back and let the not sharing just continue. Your best bet is to really gush over it when Olivia and Benjamin play nicely. I work in a pediatric office and there is a woman I hear tell her 2-year-old daughter very gently, “sharing is caring.” It is so cute to see little Madeline interact with other kids. Still, I agree with those here who say that some things truly must be personal property by which the ‘owner’ has total rights. Knowing something is yours also teaches you to respect that others have things that are ‘theirs.’ I would tell your daughter ‘don’t worry. We know the dolls and the blocks are your special toys. Your brother just wants to see them, that’s all. If he takes one, I’ll make sure he’s careful and he gives it back.”
It will take time. It will take a little growing up. But pushing the sharing thing too hard is not a good idea at this age. Be as gentle as you can about it. (On the other hand, I’d make a toy disappear pretty fast if I had to put up with that screaming. My daughter was a screamer. Ugh!) And remember your good example is going to have more influence than anything.
Hang in there. One day they will be in their twenties, and get along famously–like my kids do! (They range from 17-25, but boy, do I remember those younger days!)

]]> By: Beth @ The Natural Mommy http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2549 Beth @ The Natural Mommy Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:59:46 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2549 Wow, look at all the advice! Thank you all for telling me what works for you. I do like the idea of having toys that are not family toys, but I don't think we will implement that until they are older. Right now they both play with the same type of toys and I'm not getting a Fisher Price barn for each of them! Neither have ever expressed interest in security items, or I'm sure that would an exception to the "Family Toys" rule. The main reason I still think our best option is to have community toys is because we live in a two bedroom apartment. Yes, Olivia has her own room, but that's just because Benjamin sleeps with us. *All* the toys are in her room. There is nowhere else to put them! It would be impossible to differentiate between "His Toys" and "Her Toys" right now. Olivia's bedroom *is* the common area. I really like the idea of setting a timer when Olivia wants something someone else has. I also like the concept of putting problem toys in time out. Most of all, though, I appreciate the fact that *everyone* goes through this. Thank you for sharing so I know I am not alone! Wow, look at all the advice! Thank you all for telling me what works for you.

I do like the idea of having toys that are not family toys, but I don’t think we will implement that until they are older. Right now they both play with the same type of toys and I’m not getting a Fisher Price barn for each of them! Neither have ever expressed interest in security items, or I’m sure that would an exception to the “Family Toys” rule.

The main reason I still think our best option is to have community toys is because we live in a two bedroom apartment. Yes, Olivia has her own room, but that’s just because Benjamin sleeps with us. *All* the toys are in her room. There is nowhere else to put them! It would be impossible to differentiate between “His Toys” and “Her Toys” right now. Olivia’s bedroom *is* the common area.

I really like the idea of setting a timer when Olivia wants something someone else has. I also like the concept of putting problem toys in time out.

Most of all, though, I appreciate the fact that *everyone* goes through this. Thank you for sharing so I know I am not alone!

]]> By: TracyMichele http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2548 TracyMichele Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:02:49 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2548 I am going to agree with the 1st Nicole's comments. Our DS and DD are 19 mos apart and when they argue over a toy, neither one gets to play with it. I don't lock it up, I place it in plain view so they both can think about the fight. We DO tell them we are supposed to share, etc. We also allow them each toys they don't have to share. I think in children there is a sense of security in familiar toys that we can't really understand. As long as their particular toy isn't brought out and used to taunt their sibling, all is well. If it comes into a common area, it is fair game. I am going to agree with the 1st Nicole’s comments. Our DS and DD are 19 mos apart and when they argue over a toy, neither one gets to play with it. I don’t lock it up, I place it in plain view so they both can think about the fight. We DO tell them we are supposed to share, etc. We also allow them each toys they don’t have to share. I think in children there is a sense of security in familiar toys that we can’t really understand. As long as their particular toy isn’t brought out and used to taunt their sibling, all is well. If it comes into a common area, it is fair game.

]]> By: Amy Jane (Untangling Tales) http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2547 Amy Jane (Untangling Tales) Thu, 10 Jan 2008 21:24:25 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2547 We mix functional and for-the-future thinking, depending on our level of maturity at the moment. ;o) We go with the possession-is-9/10ths-of-the-law unless it is a "special" toy (each child gets one to three, depending on the time of year) mentioned in the post Ashley linked in the post above, or the item is so desirable there is wigging-out involved. In this latter situation the child not-in-possession may ask for a timer. Nothing happens until they stop screaming/ moaning/ complaining and <i>ask</i>. Our older two (almost-5 and 3-1/2) have had this internalized for, golly, almost 2 years. They aren't always calm, but 4 times out of 5 a timer going off will transition a smooth (if reluctant) transition. For your ages I'd suggest starting with making Olivia wait on a timer (2-minute turns in real-life, shorter ones if you're just teaching her the concept) over grabbing things, and for the other side explaining she only can complain about Benj "admiring" what she's actually using. Work on substitution and distraction with your 9-month old, and introduce <a href="http://helmericks.net/Blog2/archives/287" rel="nofollow">taking turns</A> and the timer concept as he approaches 1-1/2. I'm not an EC person, that's just about the time these things clicked for my kids. I think that letting others play with what you're not using can teach a more-relaxed approach to *things.* For our kids it helps fight (though hasn't yet totally eliminated) the stockpiling mentality. I think, too, if you can practice sounding like a broken record that actually is effective at this age, because, for now, it's repetition that establishes the way things are. We mix functional and for-the-future thinking, depending on our level of maturity at the moment. ;o)

We go with the possession-is-9/10ths-of-the-law unless it is a “special” toy (each child gets one to three, depending on the time of year) mentioned in the post Ashley linked in the post above, or the item is so desirable there is wigging-out involved.

In this latter situation the child not-in-possession may ask for a timer. Nothing happens until they stop screaming/ moaning/ complaining and ask.

Our older two (almost-5 and 3-1/2) have had this internalized for, golly, almost 2 years. They aren’t always calm, but 4 times out of 5 a timer going off will transition a smooth (if reluctant) transition.

For your ages I’d suggest starting with making Olivia wait on a timer (2-minute turns in real-life, shorter ones if you’re just teaching her the concept) over grabbing things, and for the other side explaining she only can complain about Benj “admiring” what she’s actually using.

Work on substitution and distraction with your 9-month old, and introduce taking turns and the timer concept as he approaches 1-1/2.

I’m not an EC person, that’s just about the time these things clicked for my kids.

I think that letting others play with what you’re not using can teach a more-relaxed approach to *things.* For our kids it helps fight (though hasn’t yet totally eliminated) the stockpiling mentality.

I think, too, if you can practice sounding like a broken record that actually is effective at this age, because, for now, it’s repetition that establishes the way things are.

]]> By: ashley @ twentysixcats http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2546 ashley @ twentysixcats Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:15:26 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2546 When I was growing up, we had the toys that were ours that we didn't have to share. As we got older, toys that were specifically given to us for our birthdays/Christmas, or toys that were bought with our own money (we got a weekly allowance starting at age 6) were generally "off-limits". My mom tried to instill in us to be generous, and let our siblings use those toys, but she wouldn't "make" us share them. Perhaps there were times she took the toy away - I could see my mom doing that, but I don't remember specifically. (I know this is probably not helpful. :-)) By the way, I read a blog post once that talked about something you might want to consider doing with Olivia: <a href="http://untanglingtales.com/?p=196" rel="nofollow">http://untanglingtales.com/?p=196</a> When I was growing up, we had the toys that were ours that we didn’t have to share. As we got older, toys that were specifically given to us for our birthdays/Christmas, or toys that were bought with our own money (we got a weekly allowance starting at age 6) were generally “off-limits”. My mom tried to instill in us to be generous, and let our siblings use those toys, but she wouldn’t “make” us share them. Perhaps there were times she took the toy away – I could see my mom doing that, but I don’t remember specifically. (I know this is probably not helpful. :-) )

By the way, I read a blog post once that talked about something you might want to consider doing with Olivia: http://untanglingtales.com/?p=196

]]> By: Alison http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2545 Alison Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:02:52 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2545 great comments above. i will only mention a few ideas: maybe since sharing is such a hard concept at this age to truly grasp - tho very important to model and speak of -- try TRADING. we have three girls under 5 -- and we don't allow them to take toys, but all the toys belong to ALL of our family, and they were given to us from God. We also say, "this toy is YOURS to SHARE." We also use a timer that beeps -- if the girls are having a hard time sharing a certain item -- we give them 2-4 minute increments where they can play with a certain toy, and then they need to joyfully share it with their sister, or else we put the toy away for awhile. Also, if either sister needs some time alone -- that is fine. I sometimes allow them to take a few toys that they want to play with, and go into my room or play up on my bed so that baby sister can't "mess it up" :) Great job tho -- I think that even tho your ideals may not be mainstream -- they will take root, and yield incredible fruit in your kids lives. great comments above. i will only mention a few ideas: maybe since sharing is such a hard concept at this age to truly grasp – tho very important to model and speak of — try TRADING. we have three girls under 5 — and we don’t allow them to take toys, but all the toys belong to ALL of our family, and they were given to us from God. We also say, “this toy is YOURS to SHARE.” We also use a timer that beeps — if the girls are having a hard time sharing a certain item — we give them 2-4 minute increments where they can play with a certain toy, and then they need to joyfully share it with their sister, or else we put the toy away for awhile. Also, if either sister needs some time alone — that is fine. I sometimes allow them to take a few toys that they want to play with, and go into my room or play up on my bed so that baby sister can’t “mess it up” :) Great job tho — I think that even tho your ideals may not be mainstream — they will take root, and yield incredible fruit in your kids lives.

]]> By: Amy http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/comment-page-1/#comment-2543 Amy Wed, 09 Jan 2008 18:34:10 +0000 http://www.thenaturalmommy.com/2008/01/09/help-with-the-sharing-already/#comment-2543 My kids are 4 and 18 months, and we have the same problem. I'm starting to remind the 4 year-old that if she doesn't want her baby brother to play with her XYZ, then she needs to make sure it's put away, not out where he can get it. If she leaves it out, she has to share it. And if they fight over something, the toy sometimes goes into time-out (not the kid, the toy) in the garage for the rest of the day. My kids are 4 and 18 months, and we have the same problem. I’m starting to remind the 4 year-old that if she doesn’t want her baby brother to play with her XYZ, then she needs to make sure it’s put away, not out where he can get it. If she leaves it out, she has to share it. And if they fight over something, the toy sometimes goes into time-out (not the kid, the toy) in the garage for the rest of the day.

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